Your Rottweiler's Guide to Keeping Hoomans Entertained

How to Keep Your Hoomans Entertained Without Even Trying

Hoomans are funny little creatures. They think they take care of us, but let’s be honest—without us, they'd just be wandering around aimlessly, binge-watching shows while their socks slowly disappear (not saying it’s me… but it’s definitely me).

So today, fellow four-leggers and curious hoomans, I’m spilling the kibble: how us good boys and girls keep our hoomans smiling, laughing, and semi-sane. Spoiler alert: it takes zero effort. Just a wag, a woof, and maybe a surprise bark at a leaf.

The Morning Chaos Routine

There’s no better way to start a hooman’s day than by doing zoomies at 6am. I call it “cardio with chaos.” Picture this: the sun’s just creeping up, your hooman’s eyes are barely open, and BAM—there you are, tearing through the hallway like you just saw the world’s juiciest squirrel. Entertainment? Tick. Exercise? Tick. Emotional confusion? Double tick.

Trust me, hoomans live for the unpredictable. Keeps them on their toes. Literally, since I snatch their slippers every chance I get.

Fetch: The Original Crowd-Pleaser

Now, I know what you’re thinking. "But Thor, doesn’t fetch get boring?" Not when you do it my way.

• Bring the toy, drop it halfway, stare at them dramatically.
• Let them chuck it, and then… don’t chase it. Just sit there and blink.
• If they beg, slowly trot over—but only halfway.

Hoomans are mystified by this performance every time. They call it “annoying.” I call it theatre.

Surprise Performance Barks

Nothin’ spices up a quiet evening like a random bark at the front door. Was it a possum? A leaf? The wind? Who knows. But I barked. They gasped. Everyone’s heart rate went up. You’re welcome, hoomans—consider it interval training for your anxiety.

The Loop-De-Loop Walkies Trick

Wanna turn a hooman into live entertainment? Wrap the lead around their legs mid-walk. Bonus points if you pretend they surprised you. The look of confused betrayal? Comedy gold.

Or if they’re distracted by that glowing box in their paw, stop walking and just stare at them until they trip over their own feet. Who’s walking who now, hooman?

Nap Drama and Strategic Lounging

Sleeping may seem boring, but it’s all about where you do it. Collapse dramatically in the sunniest spot on the floor. Bonus if it’s directly where they need to walk or vacuum. That way, they’re torn between moving you (blasphemy!) or stepping over like you’re royalty. Hint: you are royalty.

The Treat Guilt Stare

I call it “Pawrformance Art.” Just sit. Tilt the head. Lift one paw. Stare soulfully. Doesn’t matter what they’re eating—eventually they’ll feel the guilt. “Aww, look at him! He’s so cute!” Bam. You just got the last bit of their sandwich.

It works 89% of the time. The other 11%? You're stuck with a carrot stick. Proceed with caution.

Include Them in Our World

Hoomans are pack animals pretending they’re independent. Bring them into your dog world. Invite them to tug-of-war games. Lead them to mystery smells. Wiggle your bum when they walk through the door. They crave belonging, and we’re just the lovable lunks to give it to them.

“You hoomans think you rescued us. But really, we rescued your boring routines and turned life into an ongoing tail-wagging sitcom.” – Thor the Wise (and also very handsome)

What’s In It for You?

This isn’t just about making your hooman’s day better—though that’s a side bonus. When your hooman is entertained, you get more walkies, belly rubs, surprise snacks, and the pure joy of watching them try to understand why you refused to fetch a ball you clearly love.

Plus, every time I keep my hooman entertained, she posts about me on that camera phone thing. “Thor’s so funny!” she says. “He’s so dramatic.” Hoomans eat that stuff up. So, yeah, I’m famous now. No big deal.

Final Thought From Your Furry Friend

Don’t overthink it, hoomans. We dogs already think you’re the best thing since peanut butter on a spoon. Let us be our lovable weird selves and we’ll keep you laughing, moving, and definitely on your toes. And if we eat your socks in the process? Well, accidental bonus. You didn’t need both anyway.

Sloppy kisses,

Thor 🐾