Nike knows sneakers—your dog knows therapy. Stressed hooman? Zoomies might outrun your anxiety.
Could running in frenzied circles be the fitness plan you didn’t know you needed?
They're free. They're fast. And they make your neighbours question your sanity. I'm talking about zoomies—those glorious, untamed bursts of energy that turn even the most dignified Rottweiler (hi, that's me) into a furry missile of chaos and joy. And between you and me, hooman, they’re more therapeutic than your overpriced scented candles.
One lap of the backyard. Instant attitude adjustment.
Last week, I caught Karen from two doors down doing laps in gumboots with her border collie. Not walking, mind you. Sprinting in circles, arms out, laughing so hard her sunnies flew off. This was a woman who’d been stewing over a neighbourly fence feud (typical hooman drama) just moments before.
But after one zoom-fuelled lap, the grumpy vibes were gone. Replaced by sweat, dirt, and a bit of snot—but also big, tail-wagging energy. The kind that feels like you just shook off a week's worth of stress and biscuit crumbs.
Why dogs zoom—and why hoomans should, too
Zoomies (or FRAPs, for sciencey types—Frenetic Random Activity Periods) are what happen when excitement boils over. Us dogs zoom after baths, during storms, or when the air smells like steak. You do it too, just messier—yelling at footy finals, scroll-rage at 2am, panicking when your favourite hoodie’s in the wash.
But unlike us, you bottle it up instead of running it out.
“Dogs zoom to release energy. Hoomans hold in tension like it’s a prize. That’s backwards, mate.” — Thor (me, your favourite Rottie)
Now I’m no vet (I eat too many socks to pass the written exam), but even the smart bipeds at dog behaviourity schools agree—movement = mood boost. Your fancy dopamine-jargon just means what we dogs know in our paws: sprint it out before you bite someone (or write passive-aggressive salt shakers reviews online).
Your backyard is your gym (no mirror selfies required)
Forget lifting weights or suffering through spin class. Try this instead:
- Grab your dog (consent is key—no dragging).
- Head outside barefoot or booted, whatever’s less slippery.
- Race them. Full speed. Wild yelping optional. High knees encouraged.
Bonus points if your dog thinks you’ve lost it and joins anyway. Extra bonus if the mailman sees you mid-zoom and starts rethinking his life choices.
Don't have a yard? Zoomie anyway.
Living room laps are a vibe. Around the couch, past the coffee table, hurdle the ottoman. You built a lounge-maze with all that furniture—you may as well use it for something other than collecting crumbs and unpaired socks.
“But Thor, what if I look ridiculous?”
You will. Nothing majestic about flailing arms and loose trackies. But guess what? We dogs don’t care. We live for silly. When you laugh, we wag harder. When you move weird, we think you’re joining our pack ritual. And isn’t that the point of having dogs—to be your most ridiculous, unfiltered self and still be loved completely?
The new fitness logic: Zoomie > Zumba
This isn’t just exercise. It’s a mindset shift. You’re not working out. You’re returning to instinct. You’re off-leash, emotionally. You're present—not doomscrolling, not pretending to enjoy flavoured sparkling water. You're laughing like your body can't help it.
Used to need 3 apps, an iced latte, and 12 motivational quotes just to do yoga? Now you’re grinning like a loon after one backyard lap with your dog.
Zoomies aren’t random. They’re real joy rituals.
Look, hooman: every time you squash your instincts under ‘being sensible’, your tail stops wagging (metaphorically, unless I’ve missed something). Let’s stop pretending happiness comes in planner tabs or new streaming services. Sometimes, it’s just racing your best mate to the compost bin and not caring who wins.
So next time life feels heavy, leash your excuses, unclip your self-consciousness, and zoom. Saggy trackpants and all.
You don’t need therapy, hooman. You need a good old-fashioned case of the zoomies.
Now go do a lap for me. I’m already warming up for round two.
Stay zoom-tuned,
Thor 🐾
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