Kmart bedding ads won’t show this: big dogs are stealing pillows—and we’re not sorry.
The cosy coup no one saw coming… but every dog dreams about
I didn’t just take her pillow—I took her pride. And let me tell you, hoomans, victory smells like lavender fabric softener and mild hooman betrayal. 😌
Stage one: reconnaissance (aka pretending to nap on the floor)
Every evening, my hooman would fluff that glorious memory foam pillow like it was sacred. Do you know what it’s like to watch someone worship a soft rectangle right in front of your crate? Torture. Pure tail-drooping torture. I tracked her routines like a military working dog watches a suspicious postman. Fluff... spritz… lights out. Every time.
And just like you scope the best camping spot or shady corner at the dog park, I bided my time. Watching. Calculating. Waiting for her to drop her nightly garlic-scented lotion from hooman heaven and go brush her teeth. Rookie mistake.
Stage two: silent paws, strong resolve
You think you know stealth until you’ve tip-pawed across a creaky floor in total darkness, dodging half a Rubik's Cube, one discarded bra, and a very judgemental cat. I launched myself onto the bed like a parachuting treat bag. Landed square on the pillow. Gentle reposition. Chin flat. One deep exhale.
Fun fact: A Rottweiler head has the same surface area as an A4 folder—scientifically optimal for maximum pillow coverage.
Moment of glory: she saw me
Her face said it all. Shock. Betrayal. Love. Like the time you caught your mate eating your snacks but forgave them because they’re adorable and covered in fur (note: if you are also adorable and covered in fur, you can get away with a lot more).
She laughed. I drooled. She tried to shoo me off. I went limp like a boneless chicken in a sleep coma. Classic fuzzy deadweight technique. 10/10 would recommend.
Results? Permanent upgrade achieved.
- Before: slept in corner bed made from offcuts and disappointment
- After: royal pillow access, elevated status, better dreams
She tried to reclaim it the next night. But I'd left just enough fur and drool to mark new territory. Now, she sleeps sideways—elbow dangling—and I rest like the king I am, drooling into contour foam luxury.
But why do we want your pillow?
Let me translate this with some canine logic:
- Your scent = comfort. Your pillow = your face's scent dump. Therefore... pillow = YOU. ❤️
- It's high, soft, and smells like bedtime. Classic dog-nap bait.
- Also, because we can. 🐶
You're probably thinking: “Can’t I just give them their own nice pillow?” And sure, go ahead. But remember, it’s not about the fluff. It’s about the conquest. Don’t just give the treat—make us work for it. That’s enrichment, baby.
From the author: "If it’s good enough for your face, it’s definitely good enough for my butt."
What this means for you, dear hooman
Next time we nose-nudge your doona or circle your sleep setup like a tactical bed invader, just know—it’s not personal. It’s instinct. Comfort is a prize worth stealing. 😊
If you want your bed space back, maybe strike a deal. One couch nap for one beef tendon. Fair exchange. If not…well, I hope you don’t mind sharing. You already share your heart (and socks)—what’s one more pillow?
Big dogs need big luxuries. We also need firm boundaries…but not tonight. Tonight, I claim the fluff throne again. No regrets. No crumbs left behind. Just dreams of lizards and breakfast time.
Stay comfortable, stay cheeky, and guard those pillows wisely, hooman.
Paw high-fives and stolen snoozes,
Thor 🐾
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